23 Responses

1. Rahina December 18th, 2006 at 8:48 pm

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   okay, dude, i’m sorry, but i have tried really long and hard to try to understand how you came up with these views, both here and on asb. it really does sadden me to know that there are still desis with this huge misconception. first of all, there is a huge difference between arranged and forced marriages. now a days, i don’t think there is a marriage that is truely forced. now, on arranged marriages, it is more common for families today to this, but even then it is not in the archaic “traditional” sense that most westerners have. in modern times, arranged can alomost be compared to a parent arranged matchmaking service. both of the individuals have the right to say no. many of my friends have gone through this. some have said yes after the first guy, and some have said yes after maybe the fifth. now, for those who say yes to the first guy, it isn’t because they don’t have the choice to say no, but because they actually like the person after talking to them. now, speaking from mine and many of my friends’ and acquaintances’ point of view, many of us are open to the idea of arranged, even though we were born and brought up in the U.S. the idea is, we actually trust our family to make a decision based on our happiness. we might not like them much, but they know us better than anyone else in the world. maybe you have had bad experience in the area, but from my point of view, these marriages tend to work out.

   i did not mean to personally offend anyone in this matter, i just wanted to clear up certain things… so, yeah, those were my words.

2. Sunny December 19th, 2006 at 12:57 am

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   well i did mention good things about it…so, it’s not all bad

3. Rahina December 19th, 2006 at 1:56 am

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   no, u mentioned like two or three sentences about the good and had paragraphs about the “bad”

4. Lament December 19th, 2006 at 1:59 pm

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   sunny u gotta stop watching those crappy indian movies..wtf..I find arrange marriage more convenient than love marriage…

5. Rahina December 19th, 2006 at 2:33 pm

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   thats all i’m saying…

6. Sunny December 19th, 2006 at 2:59 pm

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   I hardly watch indian movies…but i know arranged amrriages are easier. But do u think the couple enjoy it more than love marriages?

7. tbd December 19th, 2006 at 5:05 pm

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   Um, okay, wow! You have this all wrong. The hardcore traditional arranged marriages are thing of the past. Maybe they still have those in rural, rural villages that hardly anyone knows exist anymore.

   Arranged marriages are now called “Assisted Marriages” and they are exactly like what Rahina described above. Instead of you meeting someone through a co-worker or a friend, it’s just your parents who are trying to hook you up with your significant other. More often than not, parents let their kids go on dates etc. to get to understand the other person. I know a lot of couples who were “arranged” but they went on dates for years on end to make sure they really wanted to marry the other person. And guess what – parents were fine with it.

   Thing whole marriage between families because of money, class or societal reputation are long gone. Sure, parents may like to see their kids marry within the same social circle, but they are not picky. 99% parents want happiness for their kids and as a result, they won’t force you into anything.

   Oh, and after you have gone out on dates or whatever, you can still come back and say no. Both people can say no, and their parents will move on.

   So, by the time they are married, the girl is being raped (as you so indirectly put it) and they are a healthily married couple with satisfied parents. It’s a win-win situation. And yes, for a lot of my friends, it was either convenient to let their parents help them find their life partners or because most people agreed that their parents knew what was going on.

   With that said, it’s pretty disappointing to see that you don’t know how things work in modern day India. How are you supposed to debunk the viewpoints of the book definition of arranged marriages when you yourself don’t have a clue? Let’s do some research before we post, alright.

   ————

   And to answer your last comment. No, arranged marriages are not easier. Just because your parents like each other, it doesn’t mean it’s easier. You could go out on the date with the other person for a year and you may not like him/her enough to marry them. How’s that easier? You’ll just have to go through the process again.

8. Sunny December 19th, 2006 at 5:29 pm

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   i did do research genius…from hearing through experience from cousins and other people….next time if you don’t write a valid email address I will delete all your comments

9. tbd December 19th, 2006 at 8:29 pm

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   Okay… Why are you being so defensive? Also, let’s not forget that Muslims are way more conservative than Hindus, and since I’m a Hindu, that’s how I know things. Of course, majority of my Muslim friends have a problem with arranged marriage because of what you decscribed. They are somewhat backwards in their thinking.

   Hindus, on the other hand, don’t have that problem. Our parents are fine.

   Note: There are exceptions to every rule.

   P.S. I think it would benefit you if you took these comments more seriously and formed your viewpoints on broad experiences and current state of things. There’s nothing to be sarcastic or get defensive about.

10. Sunny December 19th, 2006 at 9:03 pm

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    “let’s not forget that Muslims are way more conservative than Hindus” well yeah, that means they are not open minded….lot of them don’t even believe in love….

    you said “majority of my Muslim friends have a problem with arranged marriage because of what you decscribed” because they know what’s it like

    i don’t know….i might end up in an arranged marriage

11. tbd December 19th, 2006 at 9:55 pm

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    Yeah, I think I can agree with the fact that a lot of Muslims don’t believe in love.

    Your second point is more cultural. I think Muslims in general feel (at least the previous generations do) that women are somehow beneath the men, which is why many Muslim women don’t like getting into arranged marriages for that reason alone. Let’s face it, if women are only allowed to show their face/body (burkah) to their husband, there’s a problem right there.

    Hindus and Sikhs, on the other hand, feel differently. They treat their women equally more or less. And that’s why you don’t see forced arranged marriages anymore.

    Also, I think a lot of last-generation Muslims have opened up while living in the US or UK. They are now following the Hindus/Sikhs, if you will, with assisted marriages.

    Not to mention, there are also socio-economic reasons behind it as well. For instance, if you happen to be financially comfortable living in the US, you will tend to have more open views. Uneducated and less financially comfortable will tend to be very restricted.

    I guess what really annoyed me about your post was that you defined arranged marriage as an evil that still happens, which is not the case (culturally speaking). There are deeper issues to discuss before giving the ultimate answer, and just like a lot of topics, there’s a lot of gray area.

12. Sunny December 19th, 2006 at 11:16 pm

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    “Let’s face it, if women are only allowed to show their face/body (burkah) to their husband, there’s a problem right there” what are you talking about that’s not true.

    ….”women are somehow beneath the men” Islam doesn’t say that…in Pakistan that may be the case but in urban Bangladesh and in urban parts of India that’s not true. Bangladesh is a Muslim country but women are respected generally.

    “They are now following the Hindus/Sikhs, if you will, with assisted marriages.” I don’t think that’s the case but your right when you say “Uneducated and less financially comfortable will tend to be very restricted.” Educated people know there is more to life than money and a rich family name, but uneducated people feel inferior so they think money and class is everything.

13. tbd December 19th, 2006 at 11:33 pm

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    I should’ve said in most instances. Didn’t mean to offend you. But year, there are exceptions to every rule. Not all Hindus/Sikhs are open-minded, too. So it works both ways.

    By the way, in one of your threads, I read about your stock market experience. What was that all about? Could you do a post about it?

    Thx.

14. Sunny December 20th, 2006 at 12:09 am

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    ok i’l write a post about it

15. Rupy December 30th, 2006 at 10:31 pm

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    oh gosh, this is interesting. I see most ppl in here are for the arrange marriage. WOw, sum ppl do exist in this world to support arrange marriages. never knew it be4 until i read all those comments. By the way, i wld still say that arrange marriage is wrong and kind of force…well, it depends on wht kind of parents u have and wht is ur status.

    P.S. Thank you for writing this meaningful article, Sunny! Try to get ur “corrupt” frnds in here.

16. Sunny December 31st, 2006 at 3:36 am

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    yeah after what you told me about your cousin’s being forced to marry I thought this would be a good article for you to read

17. Lea May 1st, 2007 at 6:31 am

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    Arranged marriages are just wrong in my opinion for gods sake as if anyone can say yes to marriage after only talking to a person after a meeting then your just as stupid as your parents for even suggesting it! Its like going for a job interview! You say that your family know you best, but dont you know yourself best? its pathetic that family members have any sort of right to decide who you marry and not to marry for love is even more pathetic its like a bloody job arrangement!

18. Goldie May 15th, 2007 at 7:20 pm

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    Whats up ppl im new to this site and fell on this forum.

    I myself had an arrange marriage, coming from and french canadian mother and a punjabi father you might think why ? well i still dont know why i did it but in my heart i guess it felt right. the moment i met i future wife i new that i will love her till the day i die but i also gace her the decision if she wanted to go through with it and if not i will make sure that it does not happen, but it did and till this day we love each other with all our hearts.

    I guess you are all wondering where im coming from well, i was born in montreal my mom is white an my dad is indian they divorced when i was young and i was raised up with my twin sister in montreal untill my 18th birthday i decided to move and be with my father.

    I do belive in love marraiges and i also belive in arrainged ones too so ladies and gentelmen follow your heart and stop argueing about the fact if its right or not ” do what you have to do “

19. Brad June 5th, 2007 at 3:10 am

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    I’ve met several women in Japan who have been forced into marrying someone they don’t love it’s proven devastating for them. Yes technically they were “arranged” but there was so much social pressure for them to marry and not rebel against their parent’s wishes that for all intents and purposes they saw no way out and their parents are well aware of this fact.

    Saying forced marriages are a thing of the past is absurd. We may like to think society is freer now in this day and age and maybe it isn’t but you can’t turn a blind eye to things that still exist. It’s like saying people aren’t racist any more.

20. Sunny June 5th, 2007 at 8:10 am

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    @Brad, I agree. Some people think just because they haven’t heard of or seen forced marriages at work then it doesn’t exist no more. I know in villages of India, Bangladesh, and Pakistan, it still exists.

21. xyz May 27th, 2008 at 11:50 pm

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    this post is probably old .. anyway i stumbled upon this recently .
    the thing most icky about arranged marraiges – i cant fathom the idea of being introduced to a stranger as a prospective spouse! you either tend to be over sweet / over rude …. things should happen naturally!
    i don’t like “dates” and “hook-ups” for that matter either.
    i think marraige is not a necessity… but unfortunately in india…. it dosent work that way !

22. Nicole October 23rd, 2009 at 9:31 am

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    I am really against arranged marriages. Something about the concept makes my gut feel a little sick. I am not sure what brings on this feeling, but every time I read about it I feel angry and uncomfortable. I think it comes down to what the original poster wrote about letting a stranger in your bed and feeling your body. Also, if someone loves someone else no parent should put pressure to marry. It is really wrong and causes a great deal of heartbreak. We only live once, so why should we have to life according to our parents plan or desires instead of what or who feels right for us. Really, I try to be open minded and understand other posters point of view but really the arranged marriage concept makes me feel nauseated. If it is like a blind date and people have time to know each other as one comment said…then for me I can accept this.

    However, the Muslim marriage from the people I know really bother me. From the outside they seem happy but who really knows what goes on at home or what people are really thinking. I see these young girls with no experiences hooked up with their cousins at a young age. Most wear the niqab, so no one can see their face. And, I think if I was in their shoes could I be happy..and I think in would be hard..and if would be like the lotto if your cousin was someone you could be attracted to and like the personality. Also, the idea of inbreeding really bothers me. It seems so unnatural against all natural selection and genetic diversity. The fact that children of cousin marriages develop defects more frequently than other children should be a big hint that something is wrong with that type of arrangement. As much as I want to accept or understand arraigned marriage, I just can’t. I thought about it a lot. I really believe it is kind of evil because it goes against natural selection which God created. It is a type of selfishness from the families. They only care to the superficial and not to the true feeling and heart.

23. Gabe December 10th, 2009 at 10:23 pm

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    It is interesting to see how some people on these posts defend themselves against the champions of “love marriage” and argue that arranged marriage is like love marriage because there is dating time and a mutual decision by both partners. It is an argument that tries to make one believe that “arranged marriage” is like “love marriage.” I see in this what I would term a complex of modernity especially these same people, who obviously do not like to feel “othered”, they bring their own “others” to the picture: villages in India, Muslims, and the less educated people. Thus, they take the same accusation, deny it for themselves, and projected on others. This type of response does nothing to critique the original e-mail with all of its stereotypes, biases, misinformations, and assumption. It only displaces the accusation on others.

    The key issue to discuss when responding to these type of e-mails attacking “arranged marriage” (and behind it entire societies and peoples) is to look at “love marriage” itself and see how it works or does not.

    What is the divorce rate in these marriages? Very high, 65%. Not nearly that high in “arranged marriages”.

    “Arranged marriages” are the result of intense research not only by the parents, but also by all members of the two families to determine compatibility. In addition, the woman and the man not only have the final say in the decision, but also they get to know each other for sometime before they reach such decision.

    Then comes the important question: what is love? since when love has become the basis of marriage? The response to the first question is very difficult, but we can say that love is an idea, an illusion, and a lie sold to us today by Hollywood and Bollywood as a sine qua none condition for marriage. Since love is associated with an intensity of feelings and an intensity of PHYSICAL attraction to someone, it never lasts. It dissipates or at best, it becomes a form of affection to the other person. This in modern understanding means your love has died and it is time to find a new one. But get a divorce first.

    I bring this example to show that it is easy to point fingers and maybe we should start pointing fingers at ourselves first.

    I do not have enough space and time to elaborate on all of this. But you got the idea: humans have different strategies to organize the institution of marriage, these strategies change from a society to a society, from a group to a group, from an age to another, from a time to a time. There is no better and there is no worst, each has his own, and each prefers whatever form suits him or her. Mine is the Na of China. They do not have the institution of marriage, they do not have a name for it, nor do they have a name for a father, or a bastard. They live their lives without it. The Chinese government in 1948 wanted to force them to marry. But they refused. Instead, they like to visit each other at night, late at night and not always the same person. You may not like this, but they may not like your idea of “love marriage” or “arranged marriage”. They have their way and you have yours.